I Will Convey An Apology
Tekst av: Pablo Carbonero Lechuga
Facultad de Medicina de Valladolid, Spania
On my way to that Saturday appointment, on a sunny and slightly cold February morning, I was conscious of my insecurities about silence. I realized that I had failed in the assignment of silence so often, and I felt hopeless about that time being different.
The assignment of silence is what I call the assignment of speaking-as-an-action and remaining-quiet-as-an-art. We spend our first years on Earth learning how to speak and put our emotions and needs out there. But it takes a whole life to learn how to remain silent without feeling cracked.
Silence has proved, on several occasions, its healing powers. About this, I wrote in my journal:
Silence is a defining attribute of the relationship of ours, as humans to overcome what words can bring and the void can heal. Silence is, indeed, a necessary self-reflection, chased and avoided at the same time. Pursued by the biggest figures of humanity, just towards those not appealed by the circumstances, life, or the general rage. Silence has never been complete; it would drive us crazy.
Silence can be an apology for being a terrible partner, a terrible son, a terrible friend. But silence will never be able to be an apology for things affecting your inner part, the shoots of your garden. That’s why silence will never be felt like a complete apology. Because silence can only reach what it's natural to love, what it does not return love. Silence can only be restricted by its meaning, disgraceful moments of living periods, those when your concerns leave your body easily and the weight is less severe.
I don’t really know what I was trying to say with this, but I know that silence is becoming more important as I grow older. Rushing into solving problems was a tendency of mine when I was a teenager. The perspective of someone being mad at me, disappointed at me, was enough as a stimulus to jump into apologies and kind words. On some occasions, the outcome was, definitely, not what I was expecting.
Silence, besides the perspective that it brings, is something that empowers the words that are followed.
We can only appreciate silence in 2 moments: when there has been something humming before, and when that silence is broken. On that Saturday date, I realized how I failed in the assignment of silence one more time and how lucky I was of being with someone that enlightened me and showed me the way to give silence room in our conversation. On a side note on the journal, I also wrote:
I will convey an apology.
It is difficult to apologize by remaining silent. I don’t think it’s even possible. But silence can give apologies something new: respect.
Apologizing might entail an odd encounter at hospitals. Silence is strange, too, despite the signs. Trying to look over my experiences, I can’t recall hearing an apology when a mistake was made. As if doctors were not allowed to err but also being unable to convey an apology. ‘Silence is a defining attribute of ours, as humans [...]’ Not only but also the redemption.
After some months of silent hiatus with some people I love, I appreciate what silence has brought. Despite the reflection and a certain feeling of recoverable loss, silence has given me the necessary humbleness to start again what I’ve been missing.
